Funny Quotes of the Day
Funny Quotes of the Day
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"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
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"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
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"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."
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"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"
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"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
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"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
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"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
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"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."
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"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
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"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
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"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
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"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing".
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
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If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?
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I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
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It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
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In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
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Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
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Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…
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The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car