Funny Quotes of the Day

1. "Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

2. "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

3. "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

4. "Constipated People Don't Give A crap."

5. "Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"

6. "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

7. "Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

8. "A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."

9. "Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."

10. "Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

11. "Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

12. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

13. "When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing".

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

15. If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?

16. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

17. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

18. You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

19. It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.

20. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.

21. Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

22. Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

23. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

24. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.

25. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

26. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…

27. The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

28. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

29. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

30. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

31. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

32. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car